Friday, May 28, 2010

Time to fix the oil spill!!! Here's how we can do it....

1st DAY OF OIL SPILL - April 20

The 24-hours news outlets are overwhelmed with Oil Spill stories. Every 5-10 days BP has a new solution. Obama threatened to send in the army if you do not "PLUG THE DAMN HOLE!" Obama decided last minute to skip his Memorial Day weekend. Obama's Daughter apparently feels a larger sense of urgency than anyone else saying "Did you plug up the hole yet daddy?" At least someone is holding Barrack to a higher standard.

Is anyone else totally amazed by this process. I am the farthest from being an environmentalist. I heard about the explosion and the oil spill and thought "Here comes the parade of 'I told you so's."

"We said off-shore drilling was bad."
"We said government can't possibly regulate too much."
"See!!! Bush WAS evil and this is all his fault"

After the Exxon fiaso, while still a junior in high school in Gaithersburg MD, I never cried over a few dead ducks. The closet Young Republican in me said this is a horrible yet finite issue. It was dealt with and we all moved on. I still make drunk boat captain jokes - er -um references - in the Improv show so the episode is not at all forgotten in our collective social memories. (Of course I WOULD NEVER MAKE A JOKE IN iMPROV, SHAME ON ME FOR SUGGESTING. See me make bad jokes weekly in LMAO - again... shameless)

This Oil Spill is not a finite issue. Not yet anyway. Today all reports indicate that we have double the amount of crude oil as Valdez in the Gulf. But how can you really tell. I would bet the houses money (as I really have now true idea of knowing) that much more than that is out there. An oil tanker is finite. Here is an almost never ending supply from a mile below sea level spewing oil 24 hours now for 40 days. Even Noah is overwhelmed by now.

So here are a few ideas I have to clean up the mess.

GIANT CONDOMS - just fill those rubbers with the unwanted earthly love juice.
SPONGE WORTHY - Did Elaine (Seinfeld) save all those sponges? If the Earth is not sponge worthy, who is. Give it all to old Gaya.
THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE - who is cruder or more oily. Just throw them in to soak up the Situation. The can be aided by the Gotti kids. About time the really grew up and did something useful.
OBAMA SPEECH - Apparently if he just says we got this under control. Its true.
RON JEREMY - If anyone knows how to PLUG A DAMN HOLE efficiently...

ps I just found this online - A day by day recapping of the OIL SPILL news story,_April_20_to_May_26.html
Here are some highlights and a few off color remarks on my part.
April 20-22 A series of explossions sends the Deepwater Horizon oil rig to the bottom of the sea.

On April 24, 2010, remotely operated vehicles (ROVs) inspected the capsized rig on the sea floor and found two oil leaks from the well pipe along the sea floor (at a depth of approximately 5,000 feet). The initial estimate was that up to 1,000 barrels of oil a day could be leaking into the water. This estimate was later revised to be at least 5,000 barrels per day.

On April 27, 2010, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano and Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar (NO RELATION TO PATRICK) signed an order establishing the next steps for a joint investigation, currently underway, into the causes of the explosion. The joint investigation will have the power to issue subpoenas, hold public hearings, call witnesses, and take other steps needed to determine the cause of the incident. SO 5-7 DAYS LATER THE WHITE HOUSE DEC IDES TO HAVE AN INVESTIGATION.

On April 29, 2010, Secretary Napolitano declared the incident to be a “spill of national significance,” enabling the appointment of a national incident commander to coordinate response resources at the national level. AND THEY SAID BUSH OVERSTATED TEH OBVIOUS. AT LEAST HE WAS IN KATRINA 3-4 DAYS LATER.

On April 30, 2010, Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates mobilized the Louisiana National Guard to help in the ongoing efforts to assist local communities in the cleanup and removal of oil and to protect critical habitats from contamination. NOW 8-10 DAYS LATER

On May 2, 2010, BP began drilling the first deep-water intercept relief well, which is located a half-mile from the Macondo well, at a depth of roughly 5,000 feet. This well will attempt to intercept the existing wellbore at approximately 16,000 feet below the sea floor. BP estimates this process will take at least 90 days. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE IF YOU ASK ME. THIS PULGS UP ONE OF THREE WHOLES BUT DOES NOT SLOW DOWN RATE OF LEAKAGE.

On May 8, 2010, BP announced that while lowering the cofferdam over the riser, an excess of hydrate crystals formed inside the dome, preventing the dome from being successfully placed over the leaking riser. The dome remains on the sea floor while BP evaluates current conditions. ICE IN FREEZING COLD WATER. WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT.

On May 11, 2010, Secretary Salazar (NOT PATRICK) announced that he would restructure the Minerals Management Service in order to establish a separate and independent safety and environmental enforcement entity. Secretary Salazar also announced that the Administration would seek additional resources for federal inspectors, request an independent, technical investigation of the causes of the Deepwater Horizon spill from the National Academy of Engineers, and request expanded authority to review explorations plans. YEP 20 DAYS LATER WE NEED MORE THINKING AND LESS ACTION

On May 12, 2010, Department of Energy (DOE) Secretary Steven Chu (GOD BLESS YOU)traveled to Houston to participate in meetings with DOE and national lab staff, industry officials and other engineers and scientists involved in finding solutions to cap the flow of oil and contain the spill.

On May 14, 2010, President Obama announced that he had ordered Secretary Salazar to conduct a “top to bottom” review of the Minerals Management Service. OH YEAH, BETTER WATCH OUT, OBAMA IS TALKING ABOUT THIS NOW.

On May 15, 2010, Secretary Napolitano (ALSO A GREAT DESSERT) and Secretary Salazar sent a letter to BP CEO Tony Hayward reiterating that as a responsible party for this event, BP is accountable to the American public for the full costs of the cleanup of the spill and all economic losses related to the spill. HEY YOU, BP GUY, DON'T MAKE US WRITE ANOTHER LETTER. YOU'RE MAKING ME ANGRY. YOU WOULD NOT LIKE ME ANGRY. OBAMA WILL MAKE A SPEECH ABOUT YOU.

On May 16, 2010, a riser insertion tube tool (RITT) was successfully tested and inserted into the leaking riser, capturing some oil and gas. BP estimates that it is currently capturing slightly more than 2,000 barrels per day, but that amount varies greatly day to day. SO BASICALLY AGIAN CONDOM IS COLLECTING THE UNWANTED EARTHLY LOVE JUICES!!! I GUESS THE OIL SPILL WAS NOT SPONGE WORTHY (SEINFELD).

On May 17, 2010, a second drill rig, Transocean’s Development Driller II, began drilling a second relief well. DRILL BABY DRILL. PERHAPS SARAH PALIN CAN JUST GET A GIANT STRAW AND SUCK IT.

On May 19, 2010, Secretary Salazar signed a secretarial order leading to the fundamental restructuring of the Minerals Management Service and the division of its three missions into separate entities for leasing, safety and revenue collection, with independent missions to strengthen oversight of offshore energy operations.
In addition, Energy and Environment Subcommittee Chairman Edward Markey requested that BP immediately make publicly available its live video feed of leak points and undersea activities.

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