Friday, May 28, 2010

Time to fix the oil spill!!! Here's how we can do it....

1st DAY OF OIL SPILL - April 20

The 24-hours news outlets are overwhelmed with Oil Spill stories. Every 5-10 days BP has a new solution. Obama threatened to send in the army if you do not "PLUG THE DAMN HOLE!" Obama decided last minute to skip his Memorial Day weekend. Obama's Daughter apparently feels a larger sense of urgency than anyone else saying "Did you plug up the hole yet daddy?" At least someone is holding Barrack to a higher standard.

Is anyone else totally amazed by this process. I am the farthest from being an environmentalist. I heard about the explosion and the oil spill and thought "Here comes the parade of 'I told you so's."

"We said off-shore drilling was bad."
"We said government can't possibly regulate too much."
"See!!! Bush WAS evil and this is all his fault"

After the Exxon fiaso, while still a junior in high school in Gaithersburg MD, I never cried over a few dead ducks. The closet Young Republican in me said this is a horrible yet finite issue. It was dealt with and we all moved on. I still make drunk boat captain jokes - er -um references - in the Improv show so the episode is not at all forgotten in our collective social memories. (Of course I WOULD NEVER MAKE A JOKE IN iMPROV, SHAME ON ME FOR SUGGESTING. See me make bad jokes weekly in LMAO - again... shameless)

This Oil Spill is not a finite issue. Not yet anyway. Today all reports indicate that we have double the amount of crude oil as Valdez in the Gulf. But how can you really tell. I would bet the houses money (as I really have now true idea of knowing) that much more than that is out there. An oil tanker is finite. Here is an almost never ending supply from a mile below sea level spewing oil 24 hours now for 40 days. Even Noah is overwhelmed by now.

So here are a few ideas I have to clean up the mess.

GIANT CONDOMS - just fill those rubbers with the unwanted earthly love juice.
SPONGE WORTHY - Did Elaine (Seinfeld) save all those sponges? If the Earth is not sponge worthy, who is. Give it all to old Gaya.
THE CAST OF JERSEY SHORE - who is cruder or more oily. Just throw them in to soak up the Situation. The can be aided by the Gotti kids. About time the really grew up and did something useful.
OBAMA SPEECH - Apparently if he just says we got this under control. Its true.
RON JEREMY - If anyone knows how to PLUG A DAMN HOLE efficiently...

ps I just found this online - A day by day recapping of the OIL SPILL news story,_April_20_to_May_26.html
Here are some highlights and a few off color remarks on my part.
April 20-22 A series of explossions sends the Deepwater Horizon oil rig to the bottom of the sea.

On April 24, 2010, remotely operated vehicles (ROVs) inspected the capsized rig on the sea floor and found two oil leaks from the well pipe along the sea floor (at a depth of approximately 5,000 feet). The initial estimate was that up to 1,000 barrels of oil a day could be leaking into the water. This estimate was later revised to be at least 5,000 barrels per day.

On April 27, 2010, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano and Secretary of the Interior Ken Salazar (NO RELATION TO PATRICK) signed an order establishing the next steps for a joint investigation, currently underway, into the causes of the explosion. The joint investigation will have the power to issue subpoenas, hold public hearings, call witnesses, and take other steps needed to determine the cause of the incident. SO 5-7 DAYS LATER THE WHITE HOUSE DEC IDES TO HAVE AN INVESTIGATION.

On April 29, 2010, Secretary Napolitano declared the incident to be a “spill of national significance,” enabling the appointment of a national incident commander to coordinate response resources at the national level. AND THEY SAID BUSH OVERSTATED TEH OBVIOUS. AT LEAST HE WAS IN KATRINA 3-4 DAYS LATER.

On April 30, 2010, Secretary of Defense Robert M. Gates mobilized the Louisiana National Guard to help in the ongoing efforts to assist local communities in the cleanup and removal of oil and to protect critical habitats from contamination. NOW 8-10 DAYS LATER

On May 2, 2010, BP began drilling the first deep-water intercept relief well, which is located a half-mile from the Macondo well, at a depth of roughly 5,000 feet. This well will attempt to intercept the existing wellbore at approximately 16,000 feet below the sea floor. BP estimates this process will take at least 90 days. TOO LITTLE TOO LATE IF YOU ASK ME. THIS PULGS UP ONE OF THREE WHOLES BUT DOES NOT SLOW DOWN RATE OF LEAKAGE.

On May 8, 2010, BP announced that while lowering the cofferdam over the riser, an excess of hydrate crystals formed inside the dome, preventing the dome from being successfully placed over the leaking riser. The dome remains on the sea floor while BP evaluates current conditions. ICE IN FREEZING COLD WATER. WHO WOULD HAVE THUNK IT.

On May 11, 2010, Secretary Salazar (NOT PATRICK) announced that he would restructure the Minerals Management Service in order to establish a separate and independent safety and environmental enforcement entity. Secretary Salazar also announced that the Administration would seek additional resources for federal inspectors, request an independent, technical investigation of the causes of the Deepwater Horizon spill from the National Academy of Engineers, and request expanded authority to review explorations plans. YEP 20 DAYS LATER WE NEED MORE THINKING AND LESS ACTION

On May 12, 2010, Department of Energy (DOE) Secretary Steven Chu (GOD BLESS YOU)traveled to Houston to participate in meetings with DOE and national lab staff, industry officials and other engineers and scientists involved in finding solutions to cap the flow of oil and contain the spill.

On May 14, 2010, President Obama announced that he had ordered Secretary Salazar to conduct a “top to bottom” review of the Minerals Management Service. OH YEAH, BETTER WATCH OUT, OBAMA IS TALKING ABOUT THIS NOW.

On May 15, 2010, Secretary Napolitano (ALSO A GREAT DESSERT) and Secretary Salazar sent a letter to BP CEO Tony Hayward reiterating that as a responsible party for this event, BP is accountable to the American public for the full costs of the cleanup of the spill and all economic losses related to the spill. HEY YOU, BP GUY, DON'T MAKE US WRITE ANOTHER LETTER. YOU'RE MAKING ME ANGRY. YOU WOULD NOT LIKE ME ANGRY. OBAMA WILL MAKE A SPEECH ABOUT YOU.

On May 16, 2010, a riser insertion tube tool (RITT) was successfully tested and inserted into the leaking riser, capturing some oil and gas. BP estimates that it is currently capturing slightly more than 2,000 barrels per day, but that amount varies greatly day to day. SO BASICALLY AGIAN CONDOM IS COLLECTING THE UNWANTED EARTHLY LOVE JUICES!!! I GUESS THE OIL SPILL WAS NOT SPONGE WORTHY (SEINFELD).

On May 17, 2010, a second drill rig, Transocean’s Development Driller II, began drilling a second relief well. DRILL BABY DRILL. PERHAPS SARAH PALIN CAN JUST GET A GIANT STRAW AND SUCK IT.

On May 19, 2010, Secretary Salazar signed a secretarial order leading to the fundamental restructuring of the Minerals Management Service and the division of its three missions into separate entities for leasing, safety and revenue collection, with independent missions to strengthen oversight of offshore energy operations.
In addition, Energy and Environment Subcommittee Chairman Edward Markey requested that BP immediately make publicly available its live video feed of leak points and undersea activities.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Lost without Lost: The Never Ending Story


The long awaited LOST finale has come and gone. Many of you have not watched it so I will hold off on a few things of details about the show. But here is the story behind the story.

We had a great show last night at LMAO. Actually a little raunchier than usual. (Rated R Warning). I was playing piano for the ANIMAL CRUELTY BLUE and kept yelling out interjections to try and lift the dark tone. On one chorus I yelled "Club that Seal". On another I yelled Yummy Road Kill" and then finally "Slap that Pu$$y" (So if I offend) YADADA...I know a little edgy.

So get home around 10:30 after stopping for Mexican (Amsterdam 110th and 111th) and circling for parking. Laurice goes to turn on LOST from the DVR. She sees that the show is on when she turns on the TV and immediate shouts it down.

"I don't want to spoil the ending"
"Seriously? Go outside while I cue it up"

She refuses, continues to turn it on and off until there is an obvious commercial.

"Lets watch the series recap first"

OK... We start to watch the 6 season recap with cast interviews. Kind of cool, but long winded. About one half hour later, one of us has to take care of business, so we pause the DVR. I notice we have about 80 minutes left and whine "This thing is 2 hours long!?!" And that was just the preview event. It is already 11pmish. And we have stuff to do the next morning.

So we go to put on the show. Now about 11:22. She stops the 7p-9pm preview and switches to the show. But when she hits stop, the real show is still on, apparently running till 11:30, so she shuts it down again.

"I don't want to spoil the ending"

Let me pause briefly to say that I have had to endure this before - 9 years of X-files.

"Go outside while I cue it up"

She refuses. "Lets just wait till 11:30"


OK Now it is 11:30, we both use the bathroom. We finally start the show. Pretty good stuff. We are cruising along until the Mexican food starts to creep back into the conversation. Laurice scoffs at a rather horrible stench (SILENT BUT DEADLY at its worst!!!)

"GET OUT!!! Light a candle. I'm try to watch the show."

She tends to over exaggerate, but not this time. It was bad. Even I repulsed myself. So I lit some candles. Opened the door YADADA

Another 15 minutes goes by.


Candles still lit, I lit and blew out a tea candle a couple times to speed up the recovering of breathable air space.

Long story medium length, this continued all night. Even with fast forwarding commercials at 3x speed, we were still watching way around 2am this morning.

I have to say, the thing I like most about the final episode, the today's discussions about what it all meant. What was real, what was in folks alternate sense of reality. And what's next. I can really see this being another Star Wars or Star Trek with spin off books.

I want to do an spoofy "HURLEY & BEN RULE THE ISLAND" Animated Adventures with Hurley driving the van all over the island and Ben running Dharma with no subject. Bad 70's cartoon laugh off at the end of every short.

Or perhaps a Thelma & Louis like spin off with Kate and Claire driving around the country, on the lamb, raising Aaron. And everytime they are in trouble, Frank " THE PILOT" Lepidus, stumbles out of a bar "HEY, You need a lift"

The prequel series Charles & Elois, The Early Years with a cross over episode on Mad Men.

I have to say I cried everytime a couple found each other and realized the "TRUTH". I need to watch it again. Like SIXTH SENSE, I feel there were clues I missed now knowing the final outcome.

Thanks for the ride ABC.


Without any good TV for the next 4 months, I can focus on performing. We have a full summer of LMAO scheduled. And a butt load of gigs.



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