Saturday, August 28, 2010

Left Lane Under Speed Limit #%*!?!?!?

I find myself asking the little voice more and more “Is this guy a moron or an A$$hole?” On a daily basis I find my self running into folks that because of ignorance, lack of care, or in some cases to be blantantly A DICK, doing things that are just rude or even moral or ethically or legally wrong. I am not being preachy here. I am talking about simple common sense theorem items that help us keep society from getting to chaotic. I am talking about the activities that make the cynics say “It’s a Dog East Dog World” and “It is all going to sh!t!” This is just one in a new series of blogs – ARE YOU A MORON OR AND A$$HOLE?

Seriously, it is 2010 - going on 2011. How can anyone out there not know how to drive on a two-lane highway?

We can’t all be leaders. I gladly give the road to speed demons. That is not who I am. I am the guy that just likes to go a bit faster than posted. Only as I get bored and fall asleep with the Cruise Control on BLAH BLAH BLAH mode. Driving at the speed that I feel, “anymore I am out of control” For me that is 70-80mph. 50-60on curvy roads. Hate tight curves downhill. I mostly like to push it just ever so slightly as I play a game with myself. NO not that type of game with MYSELF. I watch the GPS and love to see the ETA roll back in time. Closest thing I will ever get to time travel, I figure.

I just drove round trip to Cleveland on route 80 in under 24 hours. Well, Spero drove 2 hours going there. I drove the first and last three there – all the way back. By Mapquest and Google maps and our GPS that is 7.5 hours each way. We made each trip in exactly 8hours with one plus hours of pee/snack breaks. Great show at Ursaline College by the way from the cast of EIGHT IS NEVER ENOUGH / LMAO.

Today I am driving to Boston via rt15, The Merrit Parkway, and the whole way there was a chain of “Lets go for a nice relaxing drive” folks in the left lane. Now I hate to be THAT GUY. You know, the guy that obnoxiously tailgates and flashes lights. Trust me when I am behind you slowpokes, I am getting that from my peers behind. One guy just did not get it. Well not at first. I was getting close but not quite tailgating.

If you are fifteen years old - ish - and about to get your DL for the first time, the most important rule you need to know is… drive on the right – pass on the left.
If you are 16-105+ year old and still do not get it…. drive on the right – pass on the left.
OK that is a little to simple. Drive in the right lane unless…
A) There is merging traffic – which usually requires about 10-15 seconds of moving over to be polite.
B) Construction crews, police or other folks in the shoulder for whatever reason. Again requires about 10-15 seconds of moving over to be polite.
C) You really want to pass the guy in front of you. But the best way is to speed up a little time to minimize the amount of time you are right next to the other car anyway.

NO matter how fast you drive do not stay in the left lane.
A) This is the safest way to go, especially around curves in the mountains of PA.
B) In everything in life there is always some one smarter, more talented and yes faster. So get over the ego trip.
C) Only exception of course when there is bad traffic. At this point I ask the a$$holes – the ones that feel the need to weave in and out to save a matter of 30 second over the course of 5 miles - to chill

I think the real problem, most folks are never taught how to drive. Drivers Ed is mostly about watching bad videos on the effects of drugs and alcohol. Sure they will tell you about turn signals, looking both ways and the dreaded parallel parking. But slow drivers in the right lane are the biggest source of road rage. Sure I hate traffic but that’s life. It happens along with all the other Sh!t you can’t control. We need to fix highways. People need to get to work. Population is growing faster than we can build highways - Especially now with 3rd graders having sex.

Forcing me to pass you on the right is just asking for is just adding to both of our anxiety. Then we will get cramps in the bird finger. No good can come of it. Why are you evening the left lane. Even worse passing someone going 65 because you just HAVE to go 67 makes you a very piss poor Type A. Either get more impatient - OR less. Or perhaps you are just lazy. You do not want to drive in the right lane with merging traffic every few miles. Driving in an activity.

So I propose new international legislation. Separate speed limits for left and right lane. New Signs should be posted “Mandatory 5 mph over posted limit in left lane” I would prefer 15 but we need to take baby steps. Besides at 4am we can go along with a sharpie and add the ONE to make it read 15.

So next time you are in the left lane and a long line of cars are building up behind you ask your self “Am I a moron or asshole?” in other words “Am I ignorant or being a dick?”

We can all agree if you have read this blog, now enlightened to the greatest truth in roadway etiquette, it is the latter.
AFTER THOUGHT – In matters of survival, I am the first to say, I would rather be an asshole than a moron – The aggressor not the victim. But if we all play along like a team, we will find our selves in far less LIFE OR DEATH survival moments. So you are forced into making the choice, be the asshole and live on. Don’t be either.PLEASE. I AM BEGGING YOU. Because either way will we hate you and throw up the BIRD!!!

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